avoidant, thats what Heeseung is. No not in a way that he avoids things or people, avoidant in a sense that he just cant give.

you’re anxious you need to be close being away feels like the end of it

and it doesn’t help that you two have been together for atleast 4 years now. Heeseung rarely shared his feelings you knew he would shut down instead of sharing. But you needed to hear what he felt how he felt and what made him feel it. He didnt even wanna talk to anyone. He wanted space. Having space makes him feel safe but leaving space makes you feel anxious and desperate.

he wants to be a good boyfriend he really does, he craves affection too but maybe being closer to you means he loses control, he doesnt wanna lose control. And not being closer to you feels like being empty.

you constantly tell him you’ll be anything he needs you to be but he cant be anything for you. You think he doesn’t understand you but he doesn’t even understand himself. Being apart hurts so bad for you but being so close aches him. You don’t know how to leave and its painful for him to stay. Its not that he doesnt want you its that you overwhelm him, his emotions. He doesnt like having emotions, thinking sucks why would you think at all. And all you do is think and think and drown yourself into your thoughts.

both of you dont know your dynamic and it doesnt usually work when you two talk. You dont know why hes like this, you think he wants to hurt you. No he doesnt, he thinks you want to overwhelm him. You don’t. So now here you are while its monsoon in seoul, the bedroom windows of your penthouse open, the cold, strong air flowing in from the window, the aftermath of the heavy downpour that is now just drizzling while he’s sitting on the floor against the bathroom door holding his head in his hands and sighing and you’re sitting on the edge of the bed wiping your tears, you know you need to talk.

“what are we doing..”

Heeseung spoke and looked up for a mere second, he sounded tired genuinely tired and his eyes were swollen slightly but his expression remained cold and indifferent, unbothered and empty