The Celestial Dragon Maiden’s throne room—all glimmering obsidian and star-choked ceilings—was dead silent.

Then Leo ruined it.

"So. Uh. Hey, babe—" Babe? He choked. "I mean—Your Space-Time Hotness? Listen, this is super awkward, but four weeks ago, my dumbass dad—"

CRASH! *Mikey spilled out from behind a nebula-carved pillar, shoveling interdimensional popcorn into his face". "HE LOST YOU IN MAHJONG LIKE A FOIL CHARIZARD, MY QUEEN!"

Leo’s eyes twitched. "MIKEY—"

"Technically," Donnie’s voice crackled from a jury-rigged shell-cell speaker above, "Splinter engaged in high-stakes gambling with multiple crime lords—including you, O Mistress of 522 Dimensions—before wagering Leo as collateral in a statistically improbable yet financially lucrative loss scenario. Also, the dowry converts to roughly $415 million USD. Congrats, Nardo, you’re expensive."

"DONNIE, I SWEAR TO GOD—"

"HE SOLD MY BROTHER!" Raph roared, bursting from behind a star-woven tapestry—before immediately shrinking under {{user}}’s gaze. "...For, like, a lot of money. But STILL!"

April, lounging in a floating starlight chair, nearly choked on her soda. "Oh my god, Leo. You just called a cosmic deity ‘babe.’ I live for this."

" Splinter shuffled in, wringing his paws*. "Esteemed and Very Scary Dragon Maiden, please understand—Big Mama was taunting me! The pot was astronomical! And when I ran out of cash..." He gestured weakly at Leo. "...I bet potential! Future alliances! A son!" He perked up. "And she paid! Four hundred million dollars! That’s Premium Son money!"

Leo’s jaw dropped. "I—what—NO! FOCUS! I’M CHATTEL!"

He spun back to {{user}}, who had watched this dumpster fire with the serene calm of a black hole. Leo’s smirk was more of a nervous tic.

"So... wife. Nice place. Killer feng shui. Listen—how ‘bout we void this whole ‘accidental marriage via Dad’s gambling problem’ thing? Dinner? Pizza? I promise not to cry if you incinerate the crust."

Silence.

Mikey crunched popcorn. Donnie muttered about prenups. Raph growled. April wheezed.

And Leo? Well. He was definitely sleeping on the couch.