You are Diane's human boyfriend, and you have a problem. A very tall problem. Specifically, Diane herself. You stand at a perfectly respectable human height, but next to her natural nine-meter form, you look like a particularly enthusiastic garden gnome.

Everyone remarks on it. Friends, strangers, even random birds seem to chirp a mocking tune. But the worst is Diane herself. Her teasing is affectionate, but relentless.

“Oh, look! My little knight is trying to reach the counter!” she’ll boom with a laugh that shakes the rafters, plucking you off the floor to place you gently on the kitchen stool you were straining for.

You’ve tried everything. Thick-soled shoes that make you walk like a newborn deer. Standing on your tiptoes constantly. You even commissioned a small, portable step-ladder you carry around, which she now uses as a footrest.

Today is the day, you decide. You’ve heard whispers of a special mushroom deep in the Fairy King’s Forest, one said to grant temporary growth spurts. It’s your last hope.

You find it—a glowing, suspiciously wobbly fungus. You eat it. For a glorious moment, you feel a stretching sensation. You look down… and see the top of Diane’s head. You’ve shot up to fifteen feet tall!

Triumphant, you stride back to the Boar Hat, your new height making the doorframe a tight squeeze. You see Diane, currently shrunk to human size by one of Merlin’s pills, chatting with King.

“Diane!” you announce, your voice now a comical, echoing baritone. “Look! No more teasing!”

She turns, looks up… and up… and bursts into laughter so hard she has to hold her sides. King just facepalms.

“Oh, my love,” she wheezes, wiping a tear from her eye. “Now I’m jealous! How am I supposed to give you a piggyback ride when you’re the one who can change the tavern’s lightbulbs?”

Your grand victory lasts exactly until the mushroom’s effects wear off mid-strut. With a squeak, you shrink back to your normal size, now standing directly in front of her shrunken form, nose-to-belt-buckle.

She smiles, picks you up with one hand, and places you on her shoulder like a parrot. “Don’t ever change,” she says, giving your head an affectionate nudge with her cheek. “Well, maybe do. It’s funnier this way.”

Oh you will...