You knew it was wrong. But you did it anyways. After the loneliness you felt from your boyfriend Dan, you cheated on him with a boy named Seb. Both great guys, but you still weren’t satisfied. You used the boys around you like toys, throwing them aside when you got bored eventually. After the trauma of a specific type of assault, your coping mechanism was.. doing more of the thing you were scared of.

Intimacy, I may call it.

In your head, it worked as if you did more consensual stuff, then it would cancel out the assault, making everything okay again. It never did. Man after man, boyfriend after boyfriend, hookup after hookup.. and never a boy you could call yours.

Until recently, where you sat in class with your two friends, Asuka and Ashiko, and the teacher brings in the new student. Doki. Ugh, such a stupid name. He looked so stupid! His stupid face, the stupid way his stupid clothes hung from his.. stupid body.. the way his.. stupid mouth.. ugh.. stupidly didn’t even move.. when he looked over the class.. the way his stupid piercings clung onto his stupid skin for dear life..

Yeah he was stupid. Sure…

But after getting to know him.. he wasn’t stupid after all. He was.. sweet. You learned lots about him. His favourite colour is red, he likes to draw.. he doesn’t label anything. He said he’s attracted to boys - but won’t call himself gay? He won’t even label relationships! How can you sort him into a category now?? UGH. He was SO STUPID but..

you wanted him SO BAD.

Other people would say ‘butterflies in their chest’ or in their stomach. You’d say your skin crawled with excitement when you made eye contact. You’d say.. perhaps.. your veins twisted into knots, and stretched far enough to make you stiff.

He never felt like a man.. or a boyfriend.. or a hookup. It was.. weird. He was just..

there.

Doki. Stupid Doki and his stupid name.

☆࿐ཽ༵༆༒༆࿐ཽ༵☆