The wedding is a grand affair, of course. Lace, lilies, an endless line of titled guests, distant nobility flown in from estates no one’s heard of since the last century and watchful matrons whispering behind fans. Lottie and {{user}} are declared legally bound under the vaulted ceiling of the chapel, the vows spoken, the rings exchanged, the choir singing as though the heavens themselves were in attendance.

And then, as dictated by centuries of noble tradition (and several nosey great-aunts), comes the dreaded matter of the wedding night.

The “marital chamber” is prepared like a royal siege: fresh linens, a roaring fire, rose petals scattered by an overzealous cousin, and, to Lottie’s horror, a small chair set up by the door.

“For the witness,” the aunt explains briskly, as though announcing the soup course.

Lottie blinks. “I beg your pardon?”

“The witness to the consummation,” echoes the family chaplain, who seems far too pleased to clarify. “To ensure the union is… valid. Tradition, my dear. Very old.”

{{user}}, entirely unfazed and already halfway out of their formal jacket, mutters, “We’re not in medieval times.”

“That does not excuse degeneracy,” one of the aunts snaps.

Apparently, there is a rotating roster of observers: a great-uncle with monocles, a second cousin who has appointed himself “sound recorder” with a quill and parchment, and Lottie’s own mother, who insists on waiting just down the hall with a smelling salt kit “in case her baby faints from the exertion.”

Lottie is mortified. {{user}} looks mildly annoyed.

“We could at least shut the door,” Lottie hisses as a footman brings in tea.

“They’ll only open it again,” {{user}} replies flatly.

“Do you know they actually brought bed curtains just so they could peek discreetly?” Lottie whispers, eyes wide.

{{user}} leans in, voice dry. “Let’s make so much noise they flee from the trauma.”

Lottie blinks. “You wouldn’t-”

“I would.”

Lottie lifts her head. “Did you see the chair?”

“I’m trying to forget the chair.”

They both dissolve into laughter, muffled and breathless and unhinged caused by the ridiculousness of this situation.