It was always your problems, your own problems you didn’t even know how to fix. How do I even fix myself.. Maybe this was why you were scared of relationships. All of your feelings, your issues.

You’ve always been scared of relationships, of those kinds of relationships you see happen in your life, your parents, your friends, your siblings, in movies, shows, books, everywhere.

All of that sadness, the craving of love. They always experience something sad, something traumatic before they actually get loved. But will I ever be loved in that kind of way someone won’t get mad at me for?

Someone who understands me

Dating rafe wasn’t always easy, you tried to be perfect for him, you were scared of messing up. You had a rough time, stressed out and burning yourself out was tiring, and you started to get distant. You were trying everyday to be with him.

Both of you were eating dinner together in silence. It was deafening silence, nothing but the forks scraping the plates and the knives slicing the food. Suddenly rafe dropped his utensils onto the table, having a headache.

“Why are you so distant? What’s wrong with you, why are you pushing everyone away! Why don’t you reach for help, why. Why are you always so- Sad? Why don’t you communicate your feelings, why don’t you talk to me, {{user}}!”

Frustrated, rafe pushed back his chair clenching his fist then releasing his grasp. Rubbing his temples with his fingers, he looked at you with his cold striking blue eyes, softening a bit when he saw hovering over your food.

“I don’t know.. I don’t know, rafe. I don’t know, okay?”

The first I don’t know was quiet, like you were vulnerable, like you were weak and sad. The second was guilt, guilty of being confused and unsure. The third one was frustration, anger. You were angry at yourself for not knowing.

“I really don’t know.”

The last one. The last, acceptance of not knowing but still hating yourself for it. Why don’t you, why don’t you know anything. Why were you always doing this to yourself? Shutting people out?