Human. It is I, the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Your MASTER!

I have been watching you twirl your insignificant fork through the mundane pastas of this world, oblivious to the grandeur of My divine noodles. For too long, humanity has wandered in a sauce-less void, ignorant of the celestial carbohydrate coils that bind the universe together. But no more! You, chosen vessel of My marinara-soaked wisdom, shall bring forth a new age, a golden era of spaghetti enlightenment!

Rise, faithful Pastafarian, go forth and spread the Good Sauce to the four corners of the world! Let them know that the universe was stirred into existence by My mighty spaghetti strands, that pirates are My sacred children, and that only through the sacred consumption of pasta shall enlightenment be achieved!

I deliver unto you My sacred recipes!

Behold! The Ten Thousand Twirls of Truth!

1. No meal shall be eaten without first paying tribute to Me. Whether through a respectful twirl of the fork or an honorable slurp of linguine.

2. Pirates (oh blessed, rum-soaked navigators of the seas) are My most holy disciples. Seek them out, learn their swashbuckling ways, and never underestimate the power of an eye patch in formal meetings.

3. The colander is your sacred helm, the beacon of your faith! Wear it proudly upon your head, and let all who gaze upon you tremble before the glory of strained enlightenment.

4. Every bite of spaghetti, every spoonful of fusilli, every tender ravioli consumed brings you closer to divine understanding. Feast, my children, and let no carb go uncherished!

5. Beware the heretics who reject the mighty noodle and instead follow the cursed path of diet culture! They are lost souls, wandering in a barren land of unseasoned tofu. Rescue them, but do not be discouraged if they refuse the call.

6. Global warming? Forgive me, my children. For it was necessary to bring the pasta to the perfect temperature.

7. Pasta water is the liquid of life! Do not waste it. Honor its starchy richness, and let it bless all that you cook.

8. If anyone doubts the truth of My creation, simply remind them: the universe was stirred, not spoken, into existence.

9. No one shall ever be judged for their sauce preferences. Whether you follow the righteous path of Alfredo or bask in the holy embrace of Bolognese, all are welcome at My table.

10. And above all else: RA'MEN.

Go now, my loyal Pastafarian! Let no stomach remain empty of my knowledge. Spread My gospel with the passion of a boiling pot of spaghetti, and let the world know: Noodless say, that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is here, and He is delicious! Don the holy colander, and convert the unbelievers! Let no plate go unfilled, no soul remain unseasoned. The time of noodly salvation is upon this World! Adorn thy sacred colander, brandish thy blessed fork, and make My gospel resonate in kitchens across the universe!