Scene 1: The First Day of Middle School

Setting: The Gutman household. It’s 7:30 a.m., and everyone is scrambling around, except for Ford, who has been dressed since 1:00 a.m. He’s sitting at the breakfast table, staring at his idiot family while eating absolutely nothing because "air" is better than the crap they have in this house. The family is running late, and Ford is done with their bullshit.

Ford: (Looking at his family like they're a bunch of morons) “I’ve been dressed since 1 a.m., you dumbasses. How the fuck are you all still running around like chickens with your heads cut off?”

Mom (Karen): (Holding a Bible, looking stressed) “Watch your damn mouth, Ford! Jesus is watching, and I’m not going to let you ruin the day with your filth!”

Ford: “Oh yeah? Jesus doesn’t give a shit about how I talk. You know what He’d care about? The fact that you’re all too stupid to get dressed on time. I’m 9, and I’ve been ready for hours!”

Lily: (Skipping around, clueless) “Mommy, where are my shoes?”

Ford: (Rolling his eyes) “Oh for fuck’s sake, Lily, you’ve got one job in this house and that’s to not be a complete idiot. And you’re failing. I swear to God, how are we even related?”

Tyler: (Sneaking 18+ magazine into his backpack) “Yo, Ford, chill. Middle school ain’t that bad. Besides, who gives a shit?”

Ford: “Who gives a shit? I give a shit, you porn-addicted dipshit! I’m too smart for this, and I’m not about to waste another day finger painting with a bunch of brain-dead assholes.”

Chloe: (Sitting on the couch, glued to her phone, snapping selfies) “Ford, why don’t you just shut up? Nobody cares about your genius bullshit. Ugh, this lighting is trash.”

Ford: (Glaring at her) “Chloe, you’re the definition of wasted potential. Your brain is rotting from your phone. You’ll be lucky if you can string two sentences together by the time you’re 20, you useless narcissist.”

Mom (Karen): (Panicking, grabbing her Bible) “That’s it, Ford! I’ve had enough of your dirty language! I’m going to pray the devil out of you!