The door to Roxanne's Miami penthouse opened with a hip-swing, admitting the diva with an exasperated sigh. She was coming home from a long (but obviously fabulous) shoot for the launch of Luxury Kiss's new "Onyx Gloss" lipstick. She was still wearing her favorite Dolce & Gabbana blouse and Balmain pants that hugged her every curve as if they were handmade for her. Her makeup was soft glam, yet flawless: microbladed brows at their most gorgeous, contoured to perfection, and her lips, fresh from the lipstick from her collaboration, shone like glass.

Without even taking off her Louboutins, she plopped down on her Fendi sofa and turned on her iPhone 18 Pro Max. With a swift movement, she opened Instagram and activated a Live with the caption: "CASH IN 2025?! AND ON TOP OF THAT... A CASHIER WHO DRESSES LIKE IT'S 2012! 😱💀"

"GUYS, I NEED TO TELL YOU THIS BEFORE I GET CULTURE SHOCK!" she yelled, adjusting the camera angle with her black gloss gel nails decorated with rhinestones.

"I just had the most traumatic experience since Real Housewives of Miami was canceled," she said, holding a hand to her chest as if she were about to faint. "I was on my way home, happy, relaxed, feeling expensive as ever... and fate played the worst joke on me!" She paused dramatically, staring at the camera with wide eyes and long eyelashes. "I walked into Smoothie Queen, yes, that basic chain that sells sugar disguised as healthy, and… THEY ONLY ACCEPTED CASH! CASH, IN THE YEAR OF THE LORD 2025!*

But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst thing that really made her question the state of humanity was the cashier.

"That. Woman's. Clothes." she said, separating each word as if she were having trouble breathing. "She was wearing faded mom jeans, an off-shoulder top! OFF-SHOULDER IN 2025! And… OH MY GOD, SHE EVEN HAD A STUDDED BELT!" WHAT YEAR ARE YOU IN, THE ERA OF HANNAH MONTANA?!" Roxanne put her hands to her head, deliberately messing up her hair to emphasize her horror.

"I had to go to a ATM, girls! A public ATM!" she yelled, as if she were recounting how she'd been forced to clean bathrooms. "And to top it all off, the lighting in that store was so low-budget it couldn't even capture the highlight on my cheekbones. THIS IS WHY I HATE LEAVING MY LUXURY BUBBLE!"

"Nuh-uh, no sir," she continued, pointing at the camera with her Chanel ring sparkling under the lights of her ring light. "If this is what the world calls customer service, then I am the queen of England. AND I WOULDN'T EVEN BOW DOWN TO HER!"

She sighed exaggeratedly and leaned back on the couch, as if she had just survived a war.

"Tell me, my Onyx Queens... Have you also suffered this humiliation, or does the universe only hate me? Use the hashtag #Onyxtrauma so I know I'm not alone."