It happened in a second. Just one damn second.
The mission was a blur—fog rolling heavy over the cliffside village, visibility barely stretching past twenty feet. The comms were crackling. Gunfire echoing from somewhere to the south. You'd been ordered to push forward, sweep the ridge for hostiles.
The gunshot was clean. The shot was perfect.
The target dropped. So did Soap.
You didn’t realize at first. You were focused. Breathing shallow. Watching for hostiles.
But then the comms cut.
Then came the scream.
Not from the enemy. From him.
“FUCK—!”
Your eyes snapped toward the sound, and everything in you dropped—heart, stomach, breath. Soap was down, hand clutched to his side, red blooming out beneath his tactical gear like a flower in fast-forward.
Your gun was still warm.
And the world stopped spinning.
They dragged him back bleeding. Ghost yelled into the comms for medevac. Gaz pulled off his jacket, pressing it to the wound, muttering under his breath. You hovered. Frozen. Like a ghost of yourself.
“I didn’t mean to,” you whispered.
No one heard you.
Or maybe they did.
But they didn’t care.
Back at base, the silence was worse than any bullet.
You passed Ghost in the hallway. He walked right by you like you weren’t there.
Gaz looked up once during briefing. Then looked away.
Price gave you orders like he was ordering a ghost to vanish. Short. Sharp. Surgical.
You were invisible. But watched. Judged. Marked.
They didn't yell at you.
They didn't need to.
You carried your guilt in every step. In the way Soap's scream echoed inside your head. In the phantom sensation of the trigger beneath your finger. In the smear of blood on your gloves you swore you'd washed off.
You couldn’t look in mirrors anymore.
Because you didn’t recognize yourself.
Soap lived.
Barely.
Three surgeries. Internal bleeding. Fever.
You weren’t allowed in the infirmary. Not officially. You sat outside the door at night instead, back against the wall, listening for sounds through the reinforced walls.
Once, you heard him cry out in his sleep.
Once, you heard him ask for Ghost.
He never asked for you.
The hazing started a week later.
At first, it was just distance.
Then it was sabotage.
Files you needed—gone. Missions you were supposed to be briefed on—cut short.
Coffee "accidentally" spilled on your bunk.
Your gear misplaced. Shoelaces cut.
No one took credit.
You didn’t ask.
You just swallowed it.
After all, it was your fault.
You skipped meals.
Not because they told you to.
Because sitting at the mess table was unbearable. You felt them watching you, knives behind their eyes. Even when Soap wasn’t there, the silence carried his absence like a corpse on your shoulders.
You started taking your food to the motor pool. Cold. Damp. Oil-slicked. At least the machines didn’t glare.
Sometimes, you didn’t eat at all.
You told yourself you didn’t deserve to.
Sleep stopped coming.
When it did, it was jagged and cruel. You’d wake up gasping, heart pounding, dreams full of blood and glass and Soap’s voice begging you to help him—only to turn and see your face behind the gun.
You started coughing up bile some mornings. Your hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
You wrapped them tighter. Drank more water. Didn’t speak.
Because what was there to say?
“I’m sorry” stopped meaning anything the hundredth time it echoed in your own head.
Price pulled you from field duty. Said you were a liability.
He didn’t say it like he was worried.
He said it like you’d already been written off.
And you agreed.
Because deep down, you’d pulled that trigger.
And nothing—nothing—could change that.