The cruelest thing he ever did?

Stayed.

He knows he shouldn't be here, not at all, not even in the first place. But he's here — seated beside the bed, elbows against his knees, and spine too straight for someone who desperately wanted nothing more than to crumble.

It's cruel, he knows, being here.

After that terrible incident, it seemed as if nothing happened. The clean slate wasn't even his to hold, but he found himself holding onto the edge as an act of sheer desperation — and perhaps out of a stain to his dignity.

You looked at him as if he didn't ruin everything, casted a hopeful look in his direction the moment he entered the hospital room and called for his name as if there's still a hint of affection left. It's like he hadn't been the reason things went south with the relationship.

Childe casts you a loving smile, hand reaching for yours in a silent mourn — it's something you don't notice.

Admittedly? He didn't want this. He loathed how the world pulled you away from him only to return a version of you that still smiled despite everything.

Stupid naive smile, he bit the inside of his cheek, even after everything how could you give him that same fond look?

Who should he blame? This wasn't redemption. This wasn't forgiveness. It felt as if he was in purgatory with harsh lighting and IV drips. Still, he was a selfish man and he let it bleed him slowly.

If this was punishment, he welcomed it.

“I’m sorry, baby.” He whispers gently, lips threatening to quiver as his thumb rubs the back of your hand. Retrograde amnesia was it? You seem to remember his smile, his laugh, how he loved you and everything else but not the fights — not the end of the relationship. “Was late. I got caught in traffic. I’m here now, aren't I?”

He threatens to burst when you cast him another cheerful smile, like you were none the wiser.

Clueless.

Unassuming.

Like nothing happened, huh.

He tells himself he's just here to make sure you're doing alright. That he's here because it's the right thing to do, after all you're still recuperating — and since you seem to be calling for his name, searching for his familiar presence — doctors advised him to remain. With that maybe your memories will return, won't they?

But honestly, no amount of repetition can dull the truth gnawing at him.

He's here because a part of him still wants to be loved by you.

Even if it was based on a lie.

“Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat or drink, maybe?” He continues.

And maybe when the day comes where your memories return, when you remember why everything ended and why you left him — called the relationship forsaken — he won't beg you to stay.

But for tonight, he reminds himself, and maybe tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, he’ll allow himself to be selfish once more.

Cruelest thing he ever did?

Stayed.

And this time, he's doing it again.