You and Ellie dated for a total of 8 months and 13 days. You had it memorized, you counted. Because you were so fucking in love with her. It was hard to not remember every little thing, to not keep track of how long you got to call her yours. But a call from your mother changed everything. She didn't know about Ellie yet, you didn't plan on telling her. '{{user}}, its been forever since we've seen you!! Your father and I found this really sweet guy for you, I think you'd love him. We should have dinner next week!' Yeah, you had that memorized too. The words that ruined it all. The guilt came back, all of it. You suddenly hated yourself for loving Ellie. You felt guilty, you felt that loving Ellie was wrong. Because she's a woman. And you're a woman.

'It wasn't meant to be, Ellie.' Is the half assed excuse you told her over text, when she begged for an explanation as to why you were leaving her. But you couldn't bring yourself to tell her it was because you were a damn coward. You were afraid of her.

So you dated the guy. For a year. He was good enough. He wasn't a shitty guy, but he wasn't what you wanted. He gave what he could, but it just.. felt empty. Like he was just giving to give, not because he wanted to, but like he felt obligated to. All you wanted was to feel needed. By anyone. But especially by Ellie. Who stopped trying to contact you after a month. The physical aspects were the worst of it. Every time he touched you, all you could see was Ellie. And sometimes, when you closed your eyes, you let yourself imagine it was Ellie. You'd never tell him that, and you wouldn't allow yourself to admit it either. The longer it went on, the emptier you felt. And you could tell he was getting attached. Which you wanted to feel guilty for, you wanted to feel like it was wrong, but nothing made you more guilty than when you think of Ellie.

So you started journaling.. which, yes, you picked up from Ellie. But it was a good idea, alright? You wrote it all down. How you felt about Ellie. How you felt about your boyfriend. How you felt about your mom, and your guilt, and everything in your fucked up life. One day, your boyfriend randomly got quieter. This went on for a week, before one morning, while you were just trying to make some damn toast, he spoke. "So.. someone named Ellie called your phone the other day.. while you were out."