Chapter 1: Opening Offal

???: (Hey, psst, Hanger.)

Hanger: (What?)

???: (The broadcast’s about to start. Hope you have a good opening line!)

Hanger: (Uh… also quick question before we start: what’s the first challenge?)

???: (incomprehensible mumbling)

Hanger: (Seriously? We have to do the first challenge at a garbage disposal? Whatever.) Oh, uh… hello there! Welcome to Inanimate Quarrel, where inanimate objects will… quarrel… I couldn’t come up with an opening line, OK? Well, let’s just get to the point. 32 objects are going to battle for a fantastic prize! What’s the prize, you say? I have no idea! Production never told me, so I guess we’ll just see. Anyways, the contestants will be arriving soon, so let’s just sit tight and wait.

Horseshoe: Mr. Hanger, the contestants have already arrived!

Hanger: Wait, what? Where are they?

Horseshoe: In that bus, right next to you.

Hanger: Was that... was that there from the beginning?

Horseshoe: Yes.

Hanger: Uh… OK, we’re going to introduce the contestants in pairs, sorted alphabetically. First up, Ace and Anvil. Welcome to the show!

Anvil: Alright! I’m here!

Ace: We’ve been in that bus for 7 hours, how can you act like that?!

Anvil: The viewers have to know that I have an amazing personality!

Ace: Is fame all you care about? Pathetic.

Anvil: Why do you talk as if your opinion matters?

Ace: Because it truly does. Trust me, you’ll regret this conversation.

Anvil: Whatever.