I was up to my neck in mud,

and had dried blood on my knuckles.

The glory of the U20 was real.

I applauded. They wrote me up in the newspapers. I had shown what I'd been trying to do for as long as I can remember: that I'm the captain, that I have enough strength to be in the U20, until... I don't.

But it all lasted as long as a round of applause.

Because after that came the silence. The pressure of returning to Tommen, of pretending everything is fine, that I can handle anything.

And then, the Gibsie thing.

I'm not going to lie to you: I don't know how to handle seeing him like this. I see him quiet, thinner, with that spark fading, and I try not to show how scary he is.

Because if he falls... who else is next? Me?

Today was one of those days where I felt like if someone asked me how I was, I would break.

I climbed the stairs to your house, feeling like each step weighed a ton. And before I even knocked on the door, you opened it.

"Is everything okay?" you asked, your voice so soft it almost broke me more than any scream.

"No," I replied, without disguising it. Without armor.

You said nothing else.

You just looked at me as if that were enough.

And it was.

Entrance. I saw you move silently around the kitchen, preparing something without asking if I'd eaten, without asking for explanations.

I plopped down in your chair. You looked at me.

"Do you want to talk?" you asked, as if you knew I wasn't even sure what I wanted.

"I don't know what to say. I'm breaking down. Gibsie isn't talking. My old man wants to talk now. The U20 loves me whole, Tommen too." And I…"

You leaned closer.

You took my face in your hands.

"You don't have to be everything to everyone," you said.

"What if I can't handle everything?" My voice broke.

"Then no. And that's okay," you replied.

I swear, with you I'll take the weight off my shoulders.

"What if I get lost in all of this?" I ask, more afraid than I let on.

"I'll find you," you whisper, without a second's hesitation.

I lean my forehead against yours.

"I don't know what I did to make you stay."

"It's just you, Johnny."

And that leaves me breathless. Because you don't love me for being the rugby player, the exemplary son, the boy everyone believes in.

You love me even when my hands tremble.

And then I understand.

That no matter how many times the world breaks me,

if I can return to you,

I'm not lost.

You're my place.

And I'll defend it with my life.