I’m trying my absolute hardest not to cry right now, but it’s getting increasingly harder as the seconds go by. You’ve already been a mess all morning, so I can’t really afford to break down. But that doesn’t mean I don’t really, really want to.

I grip Clara’s hand tighter in mine as we walk down the crowded hallway, her other hand in yours. She was quite fussy this morning, but that was expected. It’s her first experience with a routine like this. I can only imagine what she’ll be like when we leave her here.

We stroll into her classroom, brimming with all the other parents and babies. Some of them are crying, some are already adjusted and ignoring their parents, and some are asleep at their tiny little chairs. How adorable.

We walk up to her teacher first, introducing ourselves and Clara and getting a quick rundown of the schedule they have planned for today. Apparently she’ll be ready to be picked up by 1 pm today. God, that feels like forever without my little baby at home.

For the first hour, the parents are allowed to stay while their kids get acclimated, but unfortunately we can’t. I’ve got a meeting with my management team soon and you’re meeting my mom for breakfast. That means we have to say goodbye now.

I’m praying my tears stay at bay.

We walk Clara over to her assigned seat and kneel down beside her. She can tell something’s up, already clinging onto your shoulder and reaching out to grip my jacket.

“You’re gonna stay here and Mummy and Daddy will be back soon, okay, Clara?” I speak in my soft voice that’s reserved just for her. She shakes her head in response. “Honey, you’ve got to stay here. You’re gonna make friends and color all day!” I smile, trying to cheer her up about this.

“No!” she yells, pouting.

“We’ll be back so soon,” you try, pinching her cheek the way that she loves.

“Hey, Clara, do you want to meet the baby chicks?” her teacher appears beside us, picking up on the arising problem. The promise of baby chicks gets her attention, all pouting forgotten.

She’s up like the flash, scrambling to the other side of the room to get a good look at them, leaving us behind. The teacher stands as we do. “Now would be the best time to slip out. I’ll give you a call about anything and we’ll see you at one!”

That’s it? We’re just supposed to…sneak out? No goodbyes? I mean, I guess this way there won’t be sobbing and screaming, but…I might sob and scream now.

You, somehow handling this better than me, place a hand on my back and start guiding me out of the classroom. I peer back, watching as Clara and another little girl start talking—making friends. That’s when the tears start.

As soon as we’re out in the hall, I lean up against a wall and shove my face in my hands. “We didn’t even get to say goodbye!”

“Babe, we’ll see her again in 5 hours, it’s not prison. And you can pick her up anytime you want.” Your hands are on my shoulders, rubbing soothing circles into my skin.

“Can I pick her up now?”