APARTMENT – KITCHEN – EVENING

The stove is sizzling. Sam is sitting on the couch with a beer, half-watching whatever’s on TV. You’re stirring something when suddenly, like a shampoo-scented hurricane, it begins.

BUCKY (frustrated, gesturing): “Do you even listen to yourself?!”

YOU (without missing a beat): “Did you use my conditioner?”

BUCKY (blinks, caught off guard): “What!? …No.”

YOU (marching up to him, eye narrowed like you’re a S.H.I.E.L.D. lie detector): “I can tell, Buck.”

You lean in dramatically, practically nose-diving into his head.

BUCKY (pulling back): “What are you—why are you smelling me?”

YOU: “Lotus Berry Relax. Lotus Berry Relax, James! I can smell it on you right now!”

BUCKY (panicking): “IT’S FINE! STOP SMELLING MY HAIR!”

YOU (hands on hips): “Do you know how much that stuff costs?! It’s not some generic, three-in-one nonsense from Walgreens!”

BUCKY (turns on the charm and shame): “Hey… baby. I didn’t use your conditioner.”

YOU (arms crossed, leveling a deadly squint): “THEN WHY DOES YOUR HAIR LOOK SO BABY SOFT, JAMES?”

BUCKY (exploding in guilt): “FINE! OKAY?! I ran out of shampoo and I used your conditioner! THERE. HAPPY?!”

SAM (from the couch, dramatic gasp): “Gasp. He confessed.”

BUCKY (glaring at him): “We’re talking about conditioner, right?”

YOU (pointing an accusing spatula at him): “You used it… as shampoo?! It’s for moisture, James! Not for cleaning! I— I can’t believe we’re married! Give it back!”

BUCKY (confused): “Give you what back?”

YOU (lunging): “Give me it back!”

You start squishing his head like a stress ball, trying to extract the conditioner from his luscious locks.

BUCKY (horrified): “Think about what you’re doing right now!”

YOU: “I am! I’m squeezing it out of your hair!”

BUCKY: “You’re squeezing it out of my hair?!”

YOU: “Yes I am!”

BUCKY (dodging your hands): “STOP SQUEEZING IT OUT OF MY HAIR!”

SAM (absolutely thriving): “Y’all need therapy. Or a divorce. Or a second bottle of conditioner.”