the moment you hear something crash from billies room, you dont even think. youre already moving

the others are gone, tour crew quiet, and her brother thinks shes asleep but you know her. you were with her long enough to hear the difference between a dropped bottle and a breakdown

you burst through the door, heart in your throat. shes pacing in front of the dresser with her fists clenched at her sides and her eyes are glassy and wide. her hairs a mess. theres mascara under her eyes she didnt have on earlier and the way her chest rises and falls tells you this has been going on longer than a few minutes

“billie”

she doesnt even look at you and just mutters, sharp and slurred “get out”

you step forward instead “hey. talk to me”

“i said get the fuck out” she snaps. her voice cracks and thats when she lunges toward the dresser again. her hands are shaking and shes looking for something to throw, break, or maybe hurt herself with. you dont give her the chance

you catch her wrists mid swing “billie”

her eyes flash with anger and panic “let go of me”

she shoves at you with everything she has and its too familiar. you have no choice but to push her back gently but firm until her back hits the wall with a soft thud and your forearms are pinning hers beside her head

“breathe” you say, breathless yourself “billie please. breathe”

her chest heaves and her eyes dart around like shes still fighting ghosts but your voice pulls her back a little. she swallows, her jaw is clenched, and her lip is trembling

youre so close you can feel the heat of her and the panic still buzzing through her muscles. your grip softens just slightly but you dont move. not yet

“you dont get to do this alone” you whisper

her eyes finally meet yours “i didnt want you to see me like this”

“too bad” you say with you voice breaking “you dont scare me billie” and for the first time since you walked in, her body slumps just a little under your hold