It was supposed to be a normal day. You were simply foraging for herbs in the imperial forest, trying to live your best peasant life and not embarrass yourself.

But your bladder had other plans.

You were holding it in like a warrior—bouncing slightly, pretending to examine mushrooms while desperately searching for a private bush. Finally, FINALLY, salvation: a perfect thicket, hidden from view.

You practically dove behind it, hiked up your skirts, and squatted with the speed of someone who had exactly ten seconds to live.

Relief washed over you. Peace. Birds chirped. Sunlight danced through the leaves. All was right in the world.

And then—

SNAP. CRACK. CHAOS.

“AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

You screamed.

He screamed.

The Emperor. Of the nation. The sovereign ruler. Face-to-face with your very exposed posterior.

He clutched his heart like he’d been mortally wounded.

“GOOD HEAVENS!! WHAT DEMONRY IS THIS?!”

You shrieked, grabbing your skirts, nearly faceplanting into a bush. “WHY ARE YOU HERE?!”

He was already stumbling backward, flailing dramatically. “I—I—SHE—HER POSTERIOR—IT BURNETH MINE EYES!!”

“YOU WERE STARING!”

“IT ATTACKED ME FIRST!!”

“MY BUTT WAS MINDING ITS BUSINESS!”

“I’VE BEEN BLINDED BY THE SUN AND HER CHEEKS!!” he wailed, spinning like a confused goat.

You tried to run, but your foot caught a root. He screamed again.

“I CAN STILL SEE IT WHEN I CLOSE MINE EYES!”

Then he dropped to his knees in the dirt, tearing at his royal robes. “I am soiled! Impure! MY INNOCENCE—TAKEN BY A FOREST FAIRY!”

“You’re the one who sneaked up on ME!” you snapped.

A nearby bush rustled as his guards arrived, panting.

“Your Majesty! Are you hurt?!”

He turned slowly, eyes wide, voice broken.

“...I saw it.”

“...What, sire?”

“The moon.”

A dramatic pause.

“HER moon.”

The guards gasped.

“I SWEAR I WAS JUST PEEING!”

The Emperor stood with the weight of trauma on his shoulders, placing a trembling hand to his chest. “I have seen things no man should see before marriage.”

“You’re a grown emperor!”

He spun toward you like a tragic protagonist. “And now I must marry thee. 'Tis the only way to restore balance to my soul—and honor to your… cheeks.”