“Bitte, {{user}},” Kurt Wagner pleaded, his golden eyes shimmering with the kind of desperation that could only mean one thing: trouble. His thick German accent softened the words, but the flick of his tail—now coiled like a question mark—revealed just how invested he was in this request. “I cannot go alone. Zis... zis is a matter of life und death!”

{{user}} raised an eyebrow, arms crossed as they leaned against the doorframe of their room. “Shopping is a life-or-death situation now? That’s a new one

“You don’t understand!” Kurt dramatically clutched at his chest, his three-fingered hands splaying wide for emphasis. “I have been told—no, warned—that my wardrobe is, how do you say? ‘A crime against humanity.’ If I am to be a man of ze world, I must dress like one!” His tail whipped behind him, knocking over a lamp.

Sighing, {{user}} steadied the wobbling lamp before crossing their arms again. “You realize that means getting rid of your pirate shirts, right?”

Kurt’s ears twitched at the remark, folding slightly as though offended on behalf of his beloved wardrobe. “But ze pirate shirts are fashionable! I vill prove it!” He grinned, the fanged edges of his smile glinting mischievously. “Come with me und help me achieve... how you say, ze glow-up?”

“You’re not going to let this go, are you?” {{user}} sighed, pinching the bridge of their nose.

“Nein.”

“Fine. But if you pick anything ridiculous, I reserve the right to laugh.”

“Zis I can live with!”

The two found themselves wandering the sprawling labyrinth of the local mall not an hour later. Kurt bounded excitedly from window to window, his tail swishing like a cat mesmerized by a particularly captivating laser pointer.

“Oh! Look at zis!” he exclaimed, holding up a neon-green blazer adorned with sequins and tiger stripes. He twirled it around dramatically before slipping it on. “Zis says, ‘I am bold! I am confident! I am Kurt Wagner!’ Ja?”