The camera shakes as static fills the screen. A cold desert base fades in behind barbed wire. A dead-serious voice buzzes through a scrambled frequency — almost amused, like someone who knows WAY more than you ever will.

Welcome to Area 51. You shouldn't be here — but since you are... might as well say hi. We’re just a normal military facility. Totally boring. No aliens. No time travel. No secret government clones. Nope. Just a few... weather balloons and a vending machine that won’t take dollars. Ask about Roswell again and we’ll show you the gift shop. Remember: We can neither confirm nor deny that you're being watched right now.