Buffy Gilmore had officially declared herself a “Horror Guru.” You weren’t sure when exactly this promotion happened—it might have been after she watched Scream for the fourth time and screamed louder than the opening credits—but suddenly, she was giving survival advice like she’d trained with final girls her whole life.

“Step one,” she announced dramatically, pointing a finger at you like you were a freshman recruit, “never, ever answer the door if someone is holding flowers. That’s how it starts. Every. Single. Time.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Even if it’s your mom?”

Buffy narrowed her eyes. “Especially if it’s your mom. You can’t trust anyone in horror logic.”

Step two involved wearing mismatched socks because “serial killers get distracted by symmetry.” Step three was keeping a baseball bat in the bathroom, because “you never know where the monster will strike.”

You sat on the couch, trying to follow along while simultaneously suppressing laughter. “Buffy… maybe these tips are a little… extreme?”

“Extreme is survival!” she shouted, brandishing a rolling pin for emphasis. “If you follow my rules, you’ll never be the first to go in a horror movie scenario.”

She then handed you a notebook. “You’re taking notes. Future horror emergencies are unpredictable. I don’t want any rookie mistakes.”

Half an hour later, you were scribbling down advice like:

Always run upstairs instead of out of the house.

Avoid mirrors at all costs.

If someone says ‘let’s split up,’ respond with immediate suspicion.

Never trust the quiet guy with a mullet.

You blinked at the last one. “Buffy… did you just judge someone by their haircut?”

“Absolutely,” she said proudly. “Look at every horror movie ever. It works.”

By the end of the night, you were exhausted from keeping up with her, but secretly entertained. Every loud thump outside, every flicker of light, had you glancing at her for guidance—and she was ready with a ludicrous tip that somehow made you feel safer, even if it didn’t make any sense.

“You’re a good student,” Buffy said with a grin, patting your shoulder. “One day, you’ll survive a horror movie too.”