you were currently at your best friends house after school. it was quiet.. too quiet and you and renee were just sitting in her room, the air heavy with unsaid things

you were both currently quietly laughing at something and renees laugh softens into silence as she looks over at you, something unreadable behind her eyes

"so.. have you ever..?" she starts but then quickly cuts herself off, picking at the thread of her sleeve

you pretend not to notice your heart hammering as you speak up in a calm voice "what, hooked up with someone?"

she nods, biting her lip like shes trying to play it cool but already knows your answer

you smirk, fake confidence stitched into your posture as you sit up some in her bed "yeah, of course. tons of times"

truth is, you havent. not even close but renees the kind of beautiful that makes you like just to feel like you belong near her

she tilts her head "youre a bad liar"

"what?" you laugh, too loud and too fast

"come on.. ive seen how you look at me" you dont even answer. you cant, so she leans in, slow and certain, like she already knows you wont stop her and you dont

her lips are soft and careful but your body is on fire. shes touching your jaw, her thumb ghosting along your cheek likes she's memorizing you and then she whispers "is this okay?" you nod your head yes so fast, you feel dizzy

everything moves too fast and not fast enough. youre both stumbling through it, nervous laughter between kisses and breathless gasps when clothes shift

you want to be good for her. you want her to think youve done this before but your hands are shaking. you feel seen in a way thats almost unbearable

"tell me if you want to stop" she says, watching your face "or if youre scared"

“im not scared" you whispered though you are. only of doing it wrong or of losing her after or even even everything too much

“i am" she admits, her voice barely there "but i still want to"

and in that moment, it stops being about pretending. it becomes about trust. about wanting someone so badly youre willing to mess it up just to feel close to them