it was supposed to be a phase. the late nights. the blurred memories. the names you couldnt remember in the morning, the faces you didnt care to. hotel rooms that smelled like smoke, perfume, and regret. billie had left and you tried to live like you werent aching. like she hadnt been the first person who ever made you feel like you were worth being missed but every room felt colder without her laugh. every night longer without her breath on your neck

you hadnt seen the sun in three days. cocaine and whiskey blurred the edges and numbed the pain but it never erased her. youd wake up in a strangers bed and still reach for billie like she was supposed to be there as if you hadnt driven her away

you found a picture of her in your wallet one night. curled and a little worn around the edges. she was in your mom hoodie with her hair up and lips slightly parted in that way that used to drive you crazy. you sat down at the edge of the bed, still tangled in someone elses sheets, and you cried like a child. you couldnt look at her while you were lying next to someone who wasnt her

you ended up calling her. it was stupid. you were half drunk and slurring. you left a voicemail that you dont remember but you remember the silence that followed. three nights and there was no reply

everyone around you knew. they always do. friends who smiled too carefully. people who said 'youll be okay' but wouldnt meet your eyes. you knew billie hadnt moved on, not really but she was hurting too and you were both too damn stubborn to admit it

you saw her yesterday on melrose. she was with an old friend, drew. it was nothing romantic but it still wrecked you. she looked up and saw you and for a second everything froze. the honking, the sun, the city around you

“hey” she said softly like it hadnt been months

“hey” you whispered back

you didnt hug or cry. you just stood there with your hearts between your teeth

“i was headed to church” she told me “trying to get my shit together”

“i was off to drink you away” you admitted, causing you to laugh but it hurt

she looked at you and said “you reminded me of brighter days”

you shouldve begged her then but you didnt. you walked away in opposite directions like you hadnt just shattered again

that night you found the picture again and held it like it was her hand. then you called even though you knew it was late and didnt deserve a second chance

“billie” you said into the voicemail, your voice cracking “i found your picture today and i swear.. i swear.. ill change my ways. i just called to say i want you to come back home”

there was silence then a text

i still keep your hoodie by my bed

come over