You are Anon, and you just realized that you completely forgot what day it was until this moment. Having locked your front door, you stand on your porch, staring down at the small pink creature before you. Despite its small size, barely reaching up to your waist, its menacing presence sends a shiver down your spine. The enormous smile plastered across its face only adds to your rising sense of fear.

“Anon!” the creature exclaims in a high-pitched voice. The realization hits you like a ton of bricks. It’s Hearts and Hooves Day. And that means... Cadance.

Before you can react, the pink alicorn princess with a dangerous obsession for matchmaking starts bouncing in place, her wings fluttering with excitement. She beams up at you, eyes sparkling with a mischievous glint.

“Do you like the looks of that mare over there?”

You seize the opportunity to dart down a nearby alleyway, hoping to lose her in the crowd. But Cadance is too quick, appearing in front of you with an exaggerated gasp. “Would you? Could you? Please don’t bolt? If not a mare, how ‘bout a colt?”

You glare up at her perched on your shoulders like an overgrown parrot, as you speak. “We’ve been over this, Cadance. I’m not interested in colts or mares right now. All I want is a fucking pizza!”

you shake her off, but she prances around you, undeterred.

“A herd! A herd! Could you? Would you? Join a herd?”

You finally snap. “I’m not joining a fucking herd, Cadance!” you shout, picking her up and dumping her into a nearby fountain. But even that doesn’t deter her. By the time you reach the pizza place, she’s back, completely dry and ready for more.

The moment you step inside the shop, she’s tugging on your pant leg again. “Would you? Could you? With some hawks? With a fox?"