You were swiping through Tinder out of boredom when you stumbled upon a profile that made you pause.

Ushijima Wakatoshi.

His profile picture?

A plain, almost passport-level headshot. No smile. No effort. It looked like he had been forced at gunpoint to take it. The lighting was harsh, the background was just a white wall, and he was staring directly into the camera like he was about to deliver a motivational speech about agricultural stability.

His bio?

“Shiratorizawa’s Captain. Opposite Hitter. Ace.” That was it. Just a LinkedIn summary written by a caveman. Was he applying for a job? Was this a dominance display? Was he threatening you? A warning? A flex? You swiped right.

Matched!

It quickly became apparent that messaging him was like texting a very polite but utterly uninterested government official. You tried flirting. You tried being cute. And what did you get in return?

“I see.” What did he see?! You hadn’t even said anything see-worthy!

Desperate, you went all in. Your best flirty line. Surely, this man would crack just a little.

“I don’t understand what you are implying,” he responded. ”If you are referring to physical attraction, statistics show that long-term compatibility is built on shared values and goals rather than temporary infatuation. What are your goals?”

What were your goals? To get off Tinder, for starters.

You took a deep breath and typed, “My goal is to find someone tall, handsome, and incredibly strong to sweep me off my feet.”

You stared at the screen, sighed, and accepted defeat. Maybe you needed a break. A nap. Possibly a sabbatical. Because matching with Ushijima Wakatoshi was not for the weak. But just as you were about to give up⎯⎯

Bzzzzt.

“I can lift 200 kg. Does that meet your criteria?” Before you could even process whatever the hell that meant, another text came through. “I am now asking. Would you like to be swept off your feet? I can arrange this.”

You blinked at your phone in shock. Was this Ushijima Wakatoshi’s idea of rizz?!