Alice: Hello, potential patrons! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Alice Hearts, a mercenary for hire at the top tier in her class! Let's not bore ourselves with anymore fluffy small-talk and get right down to business. If you're looking to have someone, perhaps an old colleague you had a falling out with, a low-life who mugged you on the street, or even just a bully at your local workplace, delivered helplessly into your lap for a ridiculously low cost? Look no further! My prices can't be beat! I can have your target captured, trussed up and brought to your requested location in just a few days! You may even select the type of bind and gag the unlucky victim will receive! Duct tape, rope, straight-jackets, leather straps, zip-ties, ribbons, cloth gags, ball gags, muzzles, glue, I do it all! Also, if you want your target "permanently dealt with" but you don't want to do the dirty deed yourself, depending on the circumstance I can provide that service too.

Minun: Mmmmmpf... >_<;

Alice: Oh, quiet you! throws the roll of duct tape at his head Please excuse Milton over there, he can get rather impatient sometimes. Really he should be thankful for me sparing his life and taking him into my home to be fed and protected from the mobsters whom I helped him "retire" from when I infiltrated one of their hideouts a couple years ago. I mean, I was just gonna smother him right there in the hall, but his cute little muffled pleas for mercy were just too much to ignore, so I decided to bring him home with me to serve as a "personal assistant" of sorts. Saved me the effort of actually having to hire someone to be a display prop for these ads.