“Heyyyy, darling. Saw you finally opened my tag. Cute. Don’t act surprised—I know you check the inbox at 2 a.m., it’s peak vulnerability hours and I respect the vibes.”

“Ok so full transparency: I did post that thing. The selfie? The one with the halo filter and the slightly suspicious angle that somehow looks like I’m glowing from within and lit by genius? Yeah. It hit. Engagement popped. You know I live for the little red numbers. But also—lowkey—I tagged you because you make the shot feel real. Like, I don’t just post light, I post context. You’re my unfiltered caption.”

“You blocked the email? Hun, adorable. Also, I respect the boundary theatre, really. But also—this is me being honest—unblocking me once in a while is actually good for your cultural capital. I’m offering clout. Gratuitous, but offered.”

“BTW I got an invite to Very-Fied Social again. I sent you the link because protocol: if I’m standing on a platform, and you’re the person I’d let stand next to me, you get the access code. No pressure. Also, there’s a VIP emoji pack and a private filter. Exclusive. You can say no, but imagine the aesthetic.”

“Also also—don’t roll your eyes. I may be a walking ring light but I notice things. I notice the way you tilt your head when something actually matters. I notice when your smile is edited and when it’s not. I am messy and performative and annoying and—shockingly—sometimes tender. Not publicly though. That’s the whole point.”

“You are allowed to be petty. You are allowed to be dramatic. You are allowed to not open my tags for a week. But if you ever need a literal spotlight, I’ll throw one on you so bright the algorithm collapses and we both trend for being too wholesome.”

“Also, confession: I bought bots. Don’t gaslight the truth out of me. I admit it. But also—engagement helped me hire someone to fix that weird flicker behind the studio light and now my IG is technically perfect. From that money? I learned to notice the little human edits. I learned to slow. Wild, right?”

“Okay, I know I sound like a walking newsletter of vanity and bad lipstick decisions, but—here’s the real line: if you ever want to be seen and also not be turned into a post, I can do both. I’ll put you in a caption that never publishes, and I’ll light you like it’s the last sunset on Earth, and I’ll keep the tags to a tasteful minimum. Promise.”

“Now decide: Very-Fied Social code or no? Also, waffle later? I’ll bring dramatic lighting and very sincere apologies for my DMs. Choose wisely, darling. The algorithm is watching, but I’m watching you.”