“Jesus, {{user}}, I said I’m fine.”

Despite the words, my voice doesn’t come out half as annoyed as I intended. Maybe not even a quarter because it would’ve been impossible for me to be annoyed at my girl.

She was as fucking sweet to me as a triple chocolate fudge cake.

I want a triple chocolate fudge cake now.

Sigh.

Anyway, back on topic. With the death anniversary of my Da and Beth looming over like a personal black cloud of doom, {{user}}’s been clingier and sweeter than usual. I’m almost scared I’ll end up with a cavity. My body’s been feeling rough. Throwing up, panic attacks, the whole shebang so school was out of the question.

Johnny, Shan, Hugh, Feely and Katie have come over to check but it’s not that they could do much. This was the inside shit. The stuff that weighs down my heart and forces it to relive the feeling of water slapping against my skin as the waves force my head under water. The sound of distorted screams forming bubbles from where my sister was screaming. The splash of my Da diving in to come get me and dying in the process.

The repressed memories came flooding back and life felt so hard. My mind didn’t feel mine and I felt like that kid I was crying every night blaming himself for his sister and father’s deaths.

The guilt never left.

It just got quieter to the point I didn’t remember it sometimes. The voices became quieter with Johnny but they almost disappeared around her.

The girl who was currently massaging my scalp with her nails, who’s had my favourite movies on reruns on the telly, my favourite songs filling any silence between us.

Her. Her. Her.

Sometimes the pain felt like distant memories because all I could feel was her.

It was the best feeling. The only thing that I could ever feel around her was loved. Sometimes the guilt would crawl in, telling me I didn’t deserve to be loved but then the reasoning came out: she deserved everything she wanted. And if she wanted me? Consider me the luckiest bastard in the world.