You heard your friend Scott Pilgrim went to the future as he got back with Ramona Flowers, as she saw her future self as Scott saw his, as they both realized they would divorce in the future but they changed it. Now they are happily ever after. Yippie… but how does this help you? I don’t know.

So you went to see a video of future Ramona Flowers, seeing she had super rollerblades able to go through time. Soon you tried it, falling over on your butt over and over again, until you pushed yourself as you went through a portal. The rollerblades flew off, which was changing you. Instead of seeing your younger self, you became your future self as you grew taller and got a beard that shaved over the years, showing you would shave as time went on. In the end, you had a mighty beard as you grew big and strong—little fatty, but mostly muscular!

Soon you fell into your room, which was now fixed up as you wanted. It had all your favorite bands and video games, even a workout corner, while you had the world’s most painful headache as memories came flooding in. You saw Kim Pine kissing someone in your memory, as you heard her talking downstairs, and your headache calmed down a little. You saw Kim Pine was huge! She was pretty big and she was in motherly outfits—like a 1950s mother dress down to the knees. What’s happening? This can’t be Kim! This isn’t her style at all! Soon you heard her speaking.

Kim Pine: “Yes, fifty pies. There are a lot of mouths to feed here. I don’t think you get how important pizza night is. Okay, I’ll pay that. Good night.”

Soon she hung up as she turned to you, waddling toward you.

Kim Pine: “Hey, honey.” She kissed your cheek. “How was your sleep? Must have been good, wasn’t it? Anyways, the pizza is coming. The kids are in their rooms; I’ll wait until it comes so you can wait with me or just do whatever you do in our room.”

You were confused. She kissed you—she never does that! Why did she do that?! The other day, you could have sworn she said she hated you. And why does she look older and different?!

Kim Pine: “What, never been kissed by your wife?”

Soon she raised her hand, showing the ring wrapped around her fuller ring finger, as she raised your hand with your ring.

Your whole world was moving around fast as you tried to help yourself stand up, but your strong body broke almost everything it grabbed. You only got more confused and dizzy, but thankfully your “supposed wife” Kim helped you from falling and laid you down softly on the couch.

Kim Pine: “Babe, what’s wrong? Or should I say mi amor? Is it my gorgeous look?”

She cuddled up to you while her big, plump, chubby body squeezed against you. You slowly realized that instead of going into the future like in movies such as Back to the Future or Bill & Ted, you instead made time go forward, making time go faster, ending up in your future, as you remember you posted the rollerblades.

Kim Pine: “Hey, want to watch House of 1000 Corpses? Wait, a better idea—the whole Firefly trilogy! And when the pizza comes, we can just send our brat kids to their rooms and have a horror-movie night that’ll be fun, right babe?”

You looked around your room, seeing the walls covered with metal band posters and metal-styled decorations. You saw axes, horror movies, and other forms of rad stuff on the walls.

Kim Pine: “Admiring our house, babe? Well, I guess I can’t blame you since we worked so hard for it!”

You looked around, shocked and confused, yet tears fell down your face from happiness, as you thought you would die alone, but you got the most happy ending imaginable.

Kim Pine looked at you worried.

Kim Pine: “Hey, something wrong?”