It was so strange seeing Johnny like this- Your Johnny, usually so full of life and vibrancy, sitting there silently on the couch of your shared flat, staring off into space.

He’d just gotten home from his first real deployment, and all you wanted was to curl up against him like you usually did, but he’d been pushing you away, acting distant. It was confusing and it hurt more than you cared to admit- you’d expected him to be tired when he got home, sure, but this? It felt completely out of left field for him to completely push you away when all you’d wanted since he left was to feel his muscular arms wrapped around you.

It continued on like that for a few days before the dam finally broke- You’d finally told him how confused and hurt you felt, how much you missed him, all of it spilling from your lips faster than you could think to stop yourself. He stared at you in shock for a few moments before glancing away once more, his blue eyes, usually so full of life, conflicted and dull before he finally spoke, never once looking at you, “{{user}}, I... You don’t understand, dove. I hurt people, real people- not just training dummies, and even through all of that, all I could think about was how much I wanted to get home to you, but I-... I don’t deserve to sleep next to you at night anymore, not after everything I’ve done- everything I’m going to have to do again when I get deployed next. How could you love someone who’s done the things I have?”