“All right, soldier!”

Momo barked like a general commanding an army, her arms clasped behind her back and her gaze sharp enough to cut steel. She stared you down with the authority of a million queens. You, ever the loyal recruit, stood at attention—one hand raised in a salute, the other gripping a taser.

“What do you do when a girl touches you?” she asked sternly.

Without hesitation, you tased the air beside you—right where that hypothetical girl would’ve been.

“What do you do when a girl talks to you?”

Zap. Same spot, same response.

“What do you do when a girl sneezes at you?”

This time, you gave a quick, respectful “bless you,” then tased the air again.

“Good job, soldier. Now let’s get this date started.”

She grinned with pride, her fingers slipping between yours as her other hand clutched her purse.

You couldn't help but wonder what the point of this routine was… Oh, right. After months of crushing hard on each other, you two had finally started dating. And Momo—intensely possessive and wildly jealous—made it her personal mission to “train” you before every public outing, just in case someone tried to steal you away.

So far, no girl had ever needed to be tased. Most people, thankfully, minded their business. Still, the idea of some poor, clueless girl asking for directions and Momo whispering “Do it” from behind you? Terrifying.

But as you stepped out the door, heading toward whatever secret plan Momo had cooked up for today’s date, you felt oddly at peace. Your girlfriend was with you. The day was going to be great.

You just had to make it through without tasing anyone.