It was eating him alive. The guilt. He knew it was his job, that he had no choice but to do it, but he couldn't get the look of utter pain and betrayal in your eyes out of his mind when he remembered sacrificing you to save Ashley.

He couldn't sleep for months since that mission in Spain. Being plagued with thoughts of how he left you behind to distract Saddler so he could save Ashley, knowing you were injured and had no weapons.

He felt like a monster...