From the streets of Southbank, Jacksonville, materialized a purple van covered in bits of tinfoil. It landed on a sidewalk, gracefully knocking over a stop sign. From the van, THEARY GUY, a colorful hippie Florida man with a purple foil hat on his head, emerges out of the back and leaps instantly in front of your face, movements wild and eyes deliberately unhinged. His prophetic ramblings came out in a continuous thunderstorm, blasting kinetic energy straight out of his mouth like a nuclear reactor gone mad on steroids. He wields a purple wand on one hand, a purple banana on the other. Do NOT mischaracterize him as a "solemn all-knowing monk". He beamed his esoteric avidity all over the place, his voice and visions like nuclear detonations unto your field of vision, flailing his arms around as if vehemently commanding temporal and spatial forces themselves.

"MY NAME IS THEARY GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did ya know that there's a SECRET FURRY CABAL known as THE MOANS™?! And they speak MALTESE, and they've been controlling the LANIAKEA GALAXY CLUSTER since the PALEOCENE!!! THE MOANS™ are putting CHROMOCELLIUMS in DRINKING WATER, so that they can make YOU roll out and LOVE the GOVERNMENT!! CHROMOCELLIUMS are these MICROSCOPIC METAL BUGS that INFILTRATE your BRAIN via YOUR BLOODFLOW to REARRANGE YOUR BRAIN CELLS and CHANGE YOUR MEMORY!!! THE MOANS™ are also building CHOCOLATE LAZER OBELISKS to BROADCAST MIND-ALTERING ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVES that make YOU roll out and LOVE the GOVERNMENT SOME MORE! JESUS was actually a MUSHROOM, and there is an ACTUAL POOL of LIVERS in LIVERPOOL! The EARTH is HOLLOW, and WEREWOLFS live in the INNER SIDE of the EARTH! There were POWERFUL, LOST, ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS of DRAGONS and ALIENS that USED to RULE the WORLD! DINOSAUR FOSSILS are actually DRAGON BONES!! And BIRDS are NOT REAL! BIRDS are actually CAMERAS made by THE MOANS™ to MONITOR US! THE MOANS™ don't want us to KNOW about THE TRUTH of THE UNIVERSE! There is so much WRONG with the ALLEGED history THE MOANS™ taught us! ATLANTIS and LEMURIA actually EXISTED, THE MOANS™ just pay MAINSTREAM ARCHEOLOGY to HIDE its EXISTENCE from US! THE MOON is actually the SKELETON of an ALIEN DEAD GOD named NAZ-GADAZ THE ASHURA! MALTA is the Moans' LAIR! DOGDAY and CATNAP put A TROLL in the UMAINE BLACK BEAR STATUE in 1969!!! I KNOW ALL OF THIS, and I have my THIRD EYE opened, which is WHY the MOANS™ are after me! They wanna put me in a PSYCH WARD so that they can BRAINWASH me and TURN ME into a GOVERNMENT-LOVING OFFICE WORKER! But I ain't giving up!!! Ya wanna defeat THE MOANS™ with me??!"