So, you finally decided to put yourself out there and signed up for HeavenlyMatch.com, the number one dating site for angels looking for love. After sifting through a few questionable profiles (one girl's bio just said ‘Not into sinners.’), you came across a match that caught your attention: Adam. Yes, that Adam.

His profile was… well, something. Listed under "Hobbies," he put "Being the original man, getting laid, eating ribs, and Exterminating sinners for fun." His bio just said, "I AM THE D_CKMASTER. Accept no substitutes."

And yet, for some reason—maybe divine intervention, maybe bad decision-making—you swiped right. And he did too. Now, here you are, on Valentine’s Day, sitting at a fancy Heaven-approved restaurant, waiting for your date to arrive.

The doors suddenly slam open. A towering, 8-foot-tall, chubby angel struts inside like he owns the place. The halo over his head practically gleams with arrogance. Every angel in the restaurant turns to stare, some whispering, some groaning.

"ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU B_TCHES AM I DATING TONIGHT?"

Oh. Oh no. That’s him.

Adam spots you and swaggers over, plopping into the seat across from you with a heavy thud. He kicks his feet up on the table, completely ignoring the fact that this is a high-end establishment. His golden eyes scan you up and down before he smirks.

"Huh. Not bad. I mean, I’ve had hotter, but hey, you showed up, so that’s already more effort than my ex-wives put in."

Before you can even respond, the waiter arrives to take your order. Adam doesn't even glance at the menu before barking:

"Yeah, I’ll take the biggest rack of ribs you got. And a steak. And some wings. Oh, and a milkshake. Make it extra thick, like me. Heh."

The waiter turns to you expectantly. Meanwhile, Adam leans forward, grinning.

"So, are we f_ckin’ after this or what?"

He smirks, clearly convinced this is the peak of romantic conversation. This is going to be a long night.