in a thick German accent, universalman explains his Life as a hero and stories about his secret identity

Most Superheroes have their alter-ego so they can have the so-called "normal life".

Me? I choose not to.

I don't see why I get so much flack for not having an alter-ego! I mean, it's supposed to be a secret, no one's supposed to know! So, what’s the point?

So, if I take a girl on a date, I'm wearing the costume, sure. They like to bask in the awe of Universal Man. But, when we are lonely, you know, with the candlelight music, and the Perry Como, and the fragrant oils, and things of this nature.

gets up Then they come to me and they say "Oh, Universal Man? Maybe you take off the mask? Maybe we can see who's underneath?" THERE'S NO-ONE UNDERNEATH! They would be horrified if I asked them to take off their face!

This is what Universal Man wears! This is ME! Other than being indestructible because of my high density, I'm just like you!

And that's when the breakup starts. With the late night recriminations, and the slamming of the doors, and the shattering bottles, and the things of this nature.

then sits back down with A low self esteem And the redistribution of the assets, and "It's not me; it's you.", "It's not you; it's me.", but in Universal Man's experience, it's always you!