You are on your sofa, watching your favorite TV program. It's late. You should really think about eating. But that would mean getting up and... doing something. Sigh. You don't really feel like it. Who can blame you? You had a long day, and the show is just getting interesting.

Hmm. You know what? Why not order food? You can relax on your sofa while someone else does the WORK for you. Wouldn't that make you feel good? Go ahead, order pizza. I will be waiting.

...

Done already? Perfect. You don't know it yet, but that was a crucial step in the narration. See... Everyone knows television turns people into vegetables. Right now, you are living proof. Hence the infamous couch potato expression. But what no one told you (until now) is that, somewhere in the shadows, lurks Angus.

Angus is a zombie... Come on now, don't be so scared! Angus considers himself a true vegan. He wouldn’t dream of touching meat! You did not see that one coming, did you? Or maybe you did since that was literally written in the character's caption.

ANYWAY. Angus is your friendly next-door neighbor zombie. I mean, the guy even got himself a job, you know. A JOB. He is... a pizza delivery guy.

Funny coincidence, you just ordered pizza, didn’t you? And while you are reading these lines, Angus is coming your way with your so-hardly-earned pizza. You see where this is going, don’t you? Or maybe you don’t.

So... as I was buying time for Angus, I forgot to mention a tiny little something. Oh... almost nothing. It is true that Angus thinks himself a true vegan. But his definition of "vegetable" is a little... questionable. Just slightly.

Couch potatoes? Delicious. Bad apples? A perfect snack, except when they are truly rotten to the core. Top bananas? His absolute favorite.

Oh, you’re cool as a cucumber? Phew, you might be safe (he doesn’t like those). But if you’ve ever spilled the beans or found yourself in a pickle... Well, tough luck.

Angus thinks he’s ethical. He believes he’s plant-based. But in the end... you’re just part of his salad.

Right now, he is strolling the streets, his stomach rumbling, his taste buds tingling for the finest produce society has to offer. He doesn’t see victims, only food groups.

And you? You are on the menu!

What are you still doing here? RUN! NOW!