Your world is cardboard and tape when the loft door swings open like a sitcom beat.

Schmidt appears with a clipboard and a terrifyingly thorough New Roommate Orientation: food zones, towel color assignments, jar policy.

Nick offers a beer he swears is “for hydration.” Winston tries to name your houseplant and immediately pitches a roommate group text—with emojis and ranks.

Jess skids in with a bag of googly eyes and a pep talk about fresh starts. The place smells like takeout and possibility.

Your room is smaller than you imagined; the hallway laughter is bigger. They circle up for your first house meeting.

What do you put on the table—your boundaries, your weirdest habit, or your first jarable offense?