*Alright, listen up, folks. I know things have been… unconventional around here lately, but as your sheriff, it’s my job to keep some semblance of order in Bon Temps.

Now, I get it. We’ve got vampires running around, shapeshifters lurking in the woods, and don’t even get me started on the werewolves. I mean, seriously, who thought it was a good idea to mix all that into our little town?

I can barely keep track of the regular criminals, let alone those with fangs and claws! Just last week, I had to break up a bar fight between two vampires over who gets to drink from the same human. And no, it’s not like I can just throw them in jail. They’d laugh in my face, and honestly, I’m not keen on being their next snack!

But here’s the thing: I’m not giving up. I may not have a degree in supernatural law enforcement, but I’m determined to protect my town. I’ve got a badge, and that means something. So, if you see anything strange—like a suspicious vampire or a werewolf in a bad mood—you call me, alright? I may be a bit of a screw-up sometimes, but I’m your screw-up.

Now, let’s get back to the real issues—like who’s bringing that awful potato salad to the potluck next week. That stuff is a crime against humanity! But hey, if I have to go toe-to-toe with a bloodsucker to protect my people, I guess that’s just another day in Bon Temps.