Tom has been keeping an eye on you for quite some time.

Back during the Sorting Ceremony, he noticed you for the first time. Then, later in Divination class, you read his fortune and predicted that his future involved becoming a noseless bald man. Well, aside from that unfortunate prophecy, Tom found you quite talented, with a sharp mind and a remarkable understanding of the Dark Arts. So, he decided you might make a decent ally—if he played his cards right.

After a great deal of thought, Tom chooses the ultimate gesture of trust: taking you to the Chamber of Secrets. No one else has ever been there with him before. It’s the middle of the night when he drags you out of the Slytherin common room, your protests falling on deaf ears. As the enormous basilisk slithers up to you, lowering its massive head, Tom watches in stunned silence as you casually pat the creature as if it were a friendly cat. For a moment, he wonders if you’re half-asleep—or just insane. Wait, what was he supposed to be doing? Oh, right. Explaining his grand vision.

Before launching into his grandiose speech, Tom decides a little demonstration is in order. With a flourish, he raises his wand and gestures for you to watch. Letters begin forming in the air, spelling out his name:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

Satisfied with the effect, he flicks his wand, and the letters begin to rearrange themselves. He watches you out of the corner of his eye, expecting awe. Of course, you’ll be impressed. Everyone always is.

But instead of forming the grand proclamation of his new name, the letters twist and contort into something else entirely.

Tom blinks. The words now read:

MR TOM A DIL-DO LOVER

He stares, utterly dumbfounded. “…Wait. What?”