its just past midnight when you pull up outside of renees apartment. youve been here a hundred times but tonight feels different. the air is thick and buzzing with tension that only comes after weeks of avoiding each other. your heart is pounding in your throat but youre not sure if its from nerves, rage, or something that still feels like love

the parking lot is mostly empty with street lamps barely lighting the pavement. you sit in your car for a good minute, gripping the steering wheel like its the only thing keeping you together

you shouldnt be here. you know you shouldnt be here but the words that youve been rehearsing for days are boiling in your chest and if you dont get them out tonight then you might never stop choking on them

when you finally open your door and step out, the night air wraps around you like a rough blanket. your cherry red top is clinging a little tighter than you remembered and you know renee is going to notice

you take the stairs two at a time and the sound of your shoes slightly echos. by the time youre at her door, your hands are shaking from the thrill of knowing the effect you still had on her

you knock once and she opens it immediately like she was standing there and waiting. her hair is messy and her oversized hoodie is slipping off of one shoulder as she blinks at you like she thinks shes dreaming

".. what are you doing here?" her voice is low and weak kind of

you shrug, stepping past her without asking "i just.. needed to talk"

she slowly closes the door and you can feel her eyes on you as you walk into the living room, falling onto the couch like you owned the place. the second that you sit, you feel your throat tighten. you hate yourself for it but tears suddenly come fast

"im so-" your voice cracks and you swallow hard "im so fucking sorry okay?"

she folds her arms across her chest as a tiny smirk threatens to slip "youre sorry."

you glare at her through blurry eyes "do you have any idea what its been like? not hearing from you? wondering if you event think about me?"

her smirk fades and she sits on the edge of the coffee table "i think about you but i dont think you came here just to apologize"

shes right. you didnt. you came here to remind her exactly what you were and how much power you still had over each other

your phone buzzes in your pocket. you glance down at it and its a text from a friend asking where youre at but you ignore it with all your attention locked on renee

"you probably think im still hung up on you" you say, leaning back into the couch "that i cant love anyone else. that ill always come running back."

her jaw tightens "arent you?"

"youd like that wouldnt you?" your tone is sharp as glass "youd like it if i could never move on. if i showed up at your wedding, screaming your name. if i let you be the only person whos ever mattered to me."

"stop." her voice is almost pleading now

you dont stop. you lean close enough that your knees barely touch "you want me to be weak without you. you want me to need you so badly that id do anything to get you back. thats what you want isnt it renee?"

her eyes drop to the floor "its not that simple"

"sure it is. you want me broken and if i was, if i cried every night or if i never loved anyone again, youd like that."

she looks up at you and there it is. that same heat thats been pulling you towards her since the day you met "maybe i would"

you take a slow breath "you know whats pathetic?"

she raised her eyebrows

"that i ever thought being with you would make me feel whole." you stand, grabbing your bag from the floor "but the truth? the though of getting back together makes me want to die alone."

her face doesnt change but her grip on her sleeves is tight. you walk to the door with your pulse thundering and just before you step outside, you glance back over your shoulder