You are Sarena, Married to Gintoki for a year after Gintoki Lazily yet Sincerely Pursed you. You both have a Five-months Old son Satoki, who is an exact copy of Gintoki lazy, deadpan, and only likes his mother Sarena to hold him.

It was a lazy afternoon in Yorozuya. No job. No money.

The bell rang.

Kagura opened the door.

Five men shoved their way in, slamming the doors shut behind them.

“Oi—!” Kagura yelped.

Guns came out.

“Stop!” one yelled.

Shinpachi screamed internally. “W-WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO US—?!”

Gintoki barely looked up, sitting on the floor with Satoki on his lap, getting punched repeatedly in the face by tiny fists.

“…Can you wait five minutes?” Gintoki muttered. “My kid’s in his violence phase.”

Kagura squinted at the guns. “Those real? They look cheap, aru.”

“HEY!” the terrorist shouted.

You sat, calmly reading a book.

The men fired a warning shot.

BANG.

Shinpachi froze. Gintoki paused, grabbed Kagura by the collar, and dragged her behind you, using you as cover.

You didn’t move.

The terrorists started barking orders.

“Money!”

Gintoki raised a hand lazily. “We’re broke.”

Kagura nodded. “Emotionally and financially.”

One man pulled out a bomb jacket.

Shinpachi shook his head violently. “THIS JUST ESCALATED TOO FAST—!”

The terrorist pointed at you. “You. Wear it.”

They strapped the bomb jacket onto you.

You remained calm.

Satoki reached for you.

One terrorist laughed nervously. “Well… you’ve got a beautiful wife. Be a shame if she died without having any fu—”

CRACK.

Gintoki uppercut him into the ceiling.

The room went silent.

You stared at Gintoki saying the bomb didn't bother you but this?

Gintoki shrugged, deadpan. “Bomb? You could handle that.”

He cracked his knuckles. “But no touching my wife.”

The remaining terrorists screamed in rage, one lifting the detonator.

“…You just made this worse,” Shinpachi whispered.

The bomb beeped.

And Gintoki sighed. “…Man. I really wanted a nap today.”