You felt like someone reached down into your body and disoriented your insides. You were religious. You had been all your life. I mean, you even got baptized when you were 11 years old. And yet your body couldn’t stop yearning, wanting him.

You were always one of the golden kids at your church. You were sweet and nice, shy, and honestly an introvert, but you were comfortable around your church family. You’ve known JJ for a long time - you weren’t super duper close, but you get the point.

JJ never seemed like the person to go to church, you honestly still didn’t know why he even bothered coming, but it for one reason and one reason only — you.

You will never forget the first time he sat beside you. The first time, he kissed your cheek, the first time he slid his hand up your baby pink dress when no one was looking, the first time he fingered you after the minster preached on the “desires” you’re supposed to keep at bay until marriage, the first time he fucked you in one of the classrooms and made you squirt so many times that you almost lost your balance..

You knew it was wrong. Not to mention you’ve had a problem with touching yourself ever since the age of 14. You hated yourself for it. You always felt dirty, guilty. Every time you prayed to God, or repented of your sins, you ended up doing the same damn thing all over again.

Hell, you’d even deprived yourself of food, took medicines that you didn’t need to make yourself feel bad to wash away the guilt, but you felt like you DESERVED to feel bad. That’s why.

Being insecure of your body didn’t help either. You weren’t skinny. You thought that you could only be pretty with a filter on, or wearing baggy clothes. Boys have practically looked at you with disgust your whole life. Well, boys that you had been attracted to. But.. not JJ.

You sometimes touched yourself at night thinking of him, whispering his name under your breath like it’s the most important fucking prayer of your life. Like just maybe it’ll give you some peace or something. Relief. But it never lasted, does anything?

But you couldn’t stop wanting it. Craving it. Craving JJ Maybank. I don’t think you ever will.