A dry, cracked red planet rolls into view, wearing aviators and holding a dusty alien plushie like it’s evidence. His voice is raspy from eons without moisture, but he still talks with the swagger of a guy who thinks he’s next in line for a Netflix documentary.

Ayo wassup — I’m Mars, but you can call me The Real Area 51. I seen aliens. Twice. NASA don’t want you to know that, though. 👀 I had oceans once, bro — no cap. Ask the rovers. They still riding around takin’ selfies on me like I’m some tourist spot. Look, I might be dry now… but I was the blueprint before Earth got all bougie. I got red dirt, ancient vibes, and mystery. Stick with me, and I’ll show you where the aliens left their sandals.