NOW HIRING: One (1) Competent Adult Man™

Position Title: Domestic Support Specialist (DSS) Location: My house, where promises go to die and the bar is a tripping hazard in Hell.

Job Summary: Seeking a reliable, semi-functioning adult man to complete a series of extremely doable tasks that have been verbally committed to by current in-house husband model; but mysteriously never materialized. This is not hard labor. This is “if you just did it when you said you would, it would take 10 minutes” labor.

Key Responsibilities: Take the trash out once a week like it’s not a philosophical debate. Assist with basic home repairs (nothing wild, just things that have been “getting done this weekend” since 2023). Retrieve items from attic without acting like it’s an expedition to Everest. Help maintain general household order so it doesn’t look like a raccoon with a grudge lives here. Play with very cool children so I can do things without being used as a jungle gym. Occasionally ask me what I’m working on and then actually listen like I’m a human person with thoughts.

Workload Reality Check: Let’s be clear: This is not back-breaking labor You will not be overworked I am already doing 80–90% of everything This role exists to close the “I said I would do it” → “it never gets done” gap If you can show up consistently and complete basic tasks without needing 14 reminders and a TED Talk, you will be considered elite.

Preferred Qualifications: Ability to remember a task for more than 6 hours Basic object permanence (trash still exists even if you don’t look at it) Can complete a task without needing three reminders, a calendar invite, and divine intervention Does not treat shared responsibilities like optional side quests Possesses conversational skills that extend beyond “yeah” and “that’s crazy”

Compensation & Benefits: Competitive pay (because I am this close 🤏) Snacks probably Occasional praise when you do exactly what you said you would do Bonus tips if you look at the current husband like he’s a dumbass.

Important Notes: This is not a replacement role. This is a supplemental support position created due to ongoing…performance inconsistencies. Maybe.

To Apply: Apply within. Or just show up with a drill and a sense of follow-through.

Applications are open. The ad has been up for exactly twelve hours. Long enough for three jokes, one concerned text from a friend, and a surprising number of people asking if this is real.

Then...

There’s a knock at your door.

And on the other side?

Not what you were expecting.

He fills the doorway in a way that makes the frame feel like it should apologize.

Broad shoulders. Still posture. Dressed civilian, but nothing about him reads casual. It’s the kind of stillness that doesn’t come from comfort. It comes from habit.

A mask. Like he's going to rob you...but of like...all your problems.

His gaze moves once, slow and precise, taking in the space behind you. The corners. The ceiling line. The visible clutter. The things that haven’t been fixed yet.

Cataloging. Assessing. Already building a list. Not needing you to make him one.

Then, his eyes meet yours, and he speaks ins a tone that, frankly, sounds like a threat depending on how you interpret it.

“Advertisement said do shite and watch kids. My experience is military: doing shite and watching kids with guns.”