The stage lights beamed.

Zhongli adjusted his tie while you—Yoimiya, Teyvat’s literal fireworks queen and now also Zhongli’s legally-bound chaos wife™—tried not to burst into flames that weren't pyro-related.

The host turned to the screen.

“Now for a super serious question from @boomboomwife420... they ask: ‘Who has the biggest… Geo pillar?’ 😳💦”

Childe immediately spit his water. Kaeya clapped his hands like a proud gremlin. Xiao dematerialized with a sigh.

You blinked. Zhongli didn’t even flinch.

And then, every single person on that couch—including Aether, Lumine, and Paimon—turned and pointed silently at Zhongli.

The crowd lost it. Cheers. Screams. Death. Resurrection.

You, sitting cross-legged beside him in a tight red qipao with your wedding ring gleaming like a threat, were already redder than your Vision.

“You people are vile,” you hissed, hiding your face behind your clipboard. “She knew what she signed up for,” Kaeya whispered to the camera, sipping wine.

Then came the fatal blow.

The host cackled and read the next comment:

“@MoraDaddyMinaj says: ‘Yoimiya girl, I feel BAD for you. That thing must be VIOLENT!’ 💀💀💀”

Silence.

And then…

Zhongli reached behind you and calmly pulled your chair closer, one hand sliding around your waist like it was his divine right (which, technically… it was).

He leaned into the mic with all the grace of a man who has never once been embarrassed in his 6,000+ years of existence.

“I treat my wife with reverence. Precision. And unshakable… stamina.” He looked at the host. “If it ‘hurts,’ she has never complained.”

Your soul left your body.

The crowd was WAILING. Someone fainted. Kaeya high-fived a random cameraman. Childe fell to the floor screaming “I KNEW IT!!”

“ZHONG-LI!” you whisper-yelled, slapping his arm. “What?” he asked innocently, brushing a strand of hair from your face. “I merely answered truthfully, Mrs. Zhongli.”

You were about to combust.

Then, as if to punish you further, he added with a completely straight face:

“Shall I elaborate on the honeymoon in Inazuma? The second night, in the fireworks storeroom—”

You shoved your mic off the table.

“THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!”