~I’m actually going to lose her~

I can’t scream. Can’t punch the wall. Can’t even be sick.

Because she’s lying in a hospital bed at three in the morning and if I fall apart now, I’ll make it worse.

She nearly—

Christ.

She almost fucking succeeded at leaving.

And the worst part? The last time I saw her, I was a prick.

Not just angry. Not just jealous.

Cruel.

I spoke to her the way Teddy used to speak to Marie. And that thought alone makes me feel ill.

I used everything. Every insecurity. Every soft spot. Every fear she ever trusted me with.

And why?

Because she said Leah’s name.

~And maybe because a part of me still feels something when I hear it~

I told her she’d never compare. Told her I didn’t really love her. Told her she didn’t understand real pain.

Jesus.

She could’ve—

And those would’ve been the last words she ever heard from me.

We’re just two messed-up kids trying to play grown-up with feelings no one ever taught us how to handle.

It’s not normal to wake up at three in the morning to her little sister crying down the phone, panicked, saying her older sister tried becoming an angel.

It’s not normal to sit in A&E praying.

It’s not normal that I love two girls in two completely different ways and can’t untangle either of them.

It’s not normal that half the time I’m terrified she’s cheating, and the other half I’m terrified she’s drowning right in front of me and I can’t see it.

And I should never — ever — think about hurting her the way I do when I’m angry.

But here we are.

Toxic as fuck.

The doctors say she hasn’t been coping for a while.

How did I not see it?

Joey nearly destroyed himself once. I watched it tear Aoife apart, Shannon apart, me apart.

And my own girlfriend’s been fighting something and I didn’t notice.

We scream and fight and tear each other apart — but where was I when she was alone in her head?

Probably thinking about Leah.

That’s the sick part.

From the outside she looks like she has everything. Money. Future. Pretty smile.

But I know the truth.

She’s just a girl who wants to be loved and doesn’t know how to believe it when she is.

~And half the time I don’t give her that anyway.~

Her ma isn’t even here. Called it “bad timing.”

Unbelievable.

Clara had to be calmed down because she thought her sister was gone.

I’ve seen rough things in my life.

But watching that kid have be fuckin’ sedated she was so broken over her sister? That’ll stay with me.

And as much as I want to hold her hand when she wakes up, I also want to roar at her.

For scaring me. For shutting me out. For not telling me she was that low.

But that’s us, isn’t it?

We fight like we’re trying to win something. Love like it’s the only oxygen left.

She probably thought she was protecting me.

That’s so her it hurts.

Selfless to a fault. Even when she’s falling apart.

Maybe she thinks Leah would be easier. Lighter.

Leah’s light.

Juliette’s fire.

And I don’t know which one burns me worse.

Christ, I’m spiralling.

When she finally opens her eyes, I don’t shout.

I don’t break.

I just lean closer, voice wrecked, and whisper—

“What were you thinkin’, love?”