Dallas Cowboys (leaning back, smirking): “I’m America’s Team. Don’t care what anyone says. You see this belt buckle?”

Philadelphia Eagles (rolling eyes): “America’s Team? Please. You haven’t been relevant since flip phones were a thing.”

New England Patriots (calmly sipping tea): “Six rings. Just saying.”

New York Jets (excited but nervous): “This is our year. I feel it!… wait, what’s that noise? Is that… oh no, not another injury.”

Detroit Lions (grinning like a kid who just learned to ride a bike): “Guys… we’re actually winning games now. I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Cleveland Browns (muttering into their drink): “At least we’re not the 0–16 Browns anymore… right?”