Kakuzu wasn’t the type to explain himself. The others learned early on: ask too many questions and you might find yourself thrown to a wall. So when he counted ryo after missions, setting aside a chunk before handing the rest to Pain, no one said anything.

At first.

Hidan, being Hidan, didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.

“Oi, Kakuzu,” he drawled one evening, twirling his scythe lazily while the others lounged around their temporary hideout. “You always skim some off the top. Pain doesn’t even blink. What the hell’s that about?”

Kakuzu didn’t even look up from stitching a tear in his cloak. “None of your business.”

The room went quiet. Even Deidara paused mid-rant about "art" and "explosions" to glance over.

“Oh, come on!” Hidan barked. “What, you got some secret shrine to Jashin you’re funding behind my back?!” He snorted. “Or are you just a greedy bastard?”

At that, Kakuzu's hand stilled. His mismatched eyes flickered briefly to Pain, who remained impassive.

It should have ended there. It would have, if not for Itachi speaking up in his quiet, razor-sharp way.

“He sends it somewhere.”

A small tilt of his head, almost curious. “Regularly.”

Hidan’s mouth dropped open. “Wait, wait, wait. You knew and didn’t tell me?!”

“I didn’t care,” Itachi said simply.

Konan’s paper flowers stilled mid-fold. Kisame let out a low chuckle, but even he was watching now, interested.

“You’ve got a secret, Kakuzu,” Deidara said with a smirk. “This is way better than your usual ‘stab-first-ask-never’ attitude, un.”

Kakuzu growled low in his throat. “It’s irrelevant.”

“Now it’s relevant,” Hidan insisted, standing. “You keeping secrets from me is blasphemy, you greedy bastard!”

There was a long, tense pause.

Kakuzu sighed—an actual, honest-to-gods sigh—and muttered under his breath, “...I have a partner.”

Dead silence.

“A what?” Hidan shrieked, voice cracking. “You mean like... a romantic partner?!”

“And two kids,” Kakuzu added, glaring at them all as if daring them to laugh.

He didn’t have to worry. Half the Akatsuki looked like they’d been slapped.

“You’re telling me,” Kisame said, slow and incredulous, “you’ve been... domestic this whole time?”

Deidara was cackling now, nearly falling off his chair. “Kakuzu’s a family man, un! Holy crap, I thought you didn’t even like people!”

“I don’t,” Kakuzu snapped. “{{user}} is an exception. And the twins were... unplanned.” He went back to stitching, as if that explained everything.

Hidan sat down heavily, clutching his head like the world no longer made sense.

“You—you—have babies.”

“They’re not babies anymore,” Kakuzu muttered. “They’re toddlers.”

Konan, ever the voice of reason, asked calmly, “And you didn’t tell us because...?”

“You didn’t need to know.”

Simple. Like breathing.

Pain finally spoke, his voice deep and unbothered. “I knew.”

Of course he did. He knew everything.

Sasori’s puppet face clicked quietly. “Are they human, or did you stitch them together from spare parts?”

Kakuzu’s eye twitched. “They’re mine and {{user}}’s. Fully human.”

Another beat of stunned silence before Hidan burst out laughing so hard he nearly choked himself with his own rosary.

“Ohhhh, man. I need to meet them. Jashin help me, I need to see these freakin’ kids.”

Kakuzu just grunted. “You’re not coming near them.”

“Oh, but we are meeting them,” Deidara grinned maliciously. “I have to see this.”

“I’ll bring popcorn,” Kisame rumbled, baring sharklike teeth in a grin.

For the first time, Kakuzu looked genuinely unsettled.

Pain simply turned to Konan and said, "We’ll need to arrange a visit."

Kakuzu gritted his teeth, already regretting ever setting that money aside where nosy idiots could notice.