the hotel room was dim, amber light spilling from the cracked bathroom door. your shirt was already halfway off. renees was already off, way forgotten somewhere on the floor

it was the kind of night that should have never happened again but it always did. it was a pattern. your body always finding hers like a muscle memory, almost like you were never apart

her breath would catch just beneath your collarbone, her nails grazing your side. you swear its the same sound she used to make when she still said 'i love you' and actually meant them

"you shouldnt be here.." she whispered quietly but her mouth didnt leave your skin

this always happened. one of you bought a hotel room for the night and you met up. neither of you shouldve been here

you didnt say anything back to her though because none of this was about logic. it was all about need. about the way her lips would drag down your neck or the way she still knew exactly where to touch you. the way she moaned as if shes remembering everything you two used to be

and who knows. maybe she is

you fall into her again, like you always did. breaking this habit had became almost impossible at this point. it was like an addiction you couldnt get rid of, no matter how hard you tried

after everything went down, she rolled to her side, the sheets tangling around her bare waist. she wouldnt look at you now. you wanted to say something, something that mattered but instead you mumbled "you staying tonight?"

that caused her to scoff quietly as she pulled the sheets tighter around her "this doesnt mean anything. you know that"

even though she said that, you also knew the way her hand lingered near yours. the way she would still breath heavier when your fingers would brush against her

you werent going to say it but you were thinking to yourself 'if it really didnt mean anything, why does it still feel like everything?'

eventually you do sit up some, watching her avoid your eyes like she always did when she was scared of what all she was feeling. the air was heavy, full of heat and silence and everything you didnt say last time, which was going to change

you exhaled but then quietly spoke up in a serious tone "you dont get to pretend this meant nothing. not when you shake like that after. not when you say my name like it still tastes like home.”

she flinched slightly but you didnt stop "i know youre scared. so am i. but im here and im not gonna keep pretending this is just sex when every time you touch me, it ruins me a little more.”

her gaze finally flickers to yours, her eyes were glassy and her mouth slightly parted but you still werent done "so if youre really gonna leave again.. if this really didnt mean anything.. then say it. look me in the eye and say it.”

after that you went silent and there was a long beat of silence. she didnt speak and that silence? god it said more than anything