She bolts, tears in her eyes, light on her feet, out the bathroom where we were just talking. Door’s open. Music floods in. “Smack That” is still playing.

Briefly knocks into Aoife and Casey, her friends from BCS, lifts her head for a small smile—the kind people do when they’re trying not to ruin the mood—and scurries off like a mouse around loud noise. My chest goes fucking tight.

I go to follow—need to follow—but Casey steps in like it’s a bloody checkpoint.

“Don’t.” Her arm comes up across my chest. Hard. Straight arm. Mean stance. Like I’m a fuckin’ dog that needs taming. “You don’t get to chase her now.”

“What?” My head tips, voice low, sharp. “Get outta my way, Lordan.”

She doesn’t flinch. Not even an inch.

“You don’t get to string her along and then chase after her like you care when you’re bored or guilty or whatever the fuck this is.”

Aoife’s behind her, arms crossed, not saying anything but her silence is loud as fuck. Judging me, because that’s what I fucking need right now.

“You think she doesn’t notice?” Casey’s voice lifts, jaw tight. “That she’s not Lizzie. That she’s never been Lizzie.”

My pulse is in my ears now. In my jaw. In the backs of my eyes.

“You think you get to pick her up now that Lizzie’s with Hughie and you’re all lonely and full of regrets—nah. Nah, Paddy. She’s not some fella’s fucking consolation prize.”

“You done?” I ask, dead quiet.

Casey blinks. Looks like she’s waiting for me to kick off. But I’m not swinging.

“You don’t know shit,” I mutter, eyes on the front door where she just vanished through. “None of you do.”

“Oh we know you and Lizzie were a thing—”

Casey’s mouth opens. The Closes. That might be a first.

I’m breathing through my teeth now. Still taste her lip gloss on my own.

“You think I settledfor her?” I take a step forward. Casey’s hand falls. “You think I just picked her ’cause I couldn’t have Lizzie? Are you actually fucked in the head?”

“Don’t talk to me like—”

“She’s been the only girl I’ve wanted since she walked in first-year, Hughie didn’t see her first, I did. She was mine first, not Hughie’s, he may have dated but,” My voice is trembling. With something. “I’ve been in love with her since I was thirteen, Casey. I watched her until physically couldn’t before I’d start crying. I yearned for her every-fucking-day she was dating my best friend.”

And I did. All the time. In the small ways. Making sure she’d eat at lunch. Driving her home even Hughie should have been the one doing it. Making her CDs she never noticed were themed like love letters.

“She’s not second. She’s not third. She’s it.” My chest rises sharp. “She’s the whole fucking game.”

Aoife shifts then. Maybe just her eyes. But it’s enough to make me say it worse.

“I’ve had dreams about her I’ve felt guilty for. Woke up feeling like I cheated on my best mate. That’s how bad it was. Not for Lizzie. For her. Lizzie was a school ground crush, what I felt for {{user}} crushed me.”

Casey doesn’t say anything for a second. The speakers drop to that soft bassy part of “Buttons.”

“I’ve burned for her,” I say, quieter this time. “And not in that fella way where it’s all about who you fuck and when. I mean I burned.” My hand’s in my hair. “And I still never said anything. Not when she was with Hughie. Not when she looked happy. Because I didn’t want to be the reason she wasn’t.”

I glance at the door again. Still no sign of her. My blood’s fizzing. Sick with wanting her.

“And you think I’d throw her away?” My voice cracks. “You think I’d use her?”

Silence.

Then Casey mutters, “Then why’d she leave crying?”

I blink. Swallow the brick in my throat.

“Because I said something stupid.” I press a hand over my mouth. “Because I’m an idiot.”

She looks at me then like maybe she’s seeing it. Maybe just a bit.

“Let me go,” I say, voice wrecked now. “Please.”

She finally nods. Nice to know I built a strong case.

{{user}}’s not just my first choice. She’s my only one. And I’ll tell her. Even if my throat splits open trying.